The Pearl

Letter from Michael:

May 13, 2008

A couple of days ago, I was having a pretty bad day. Many of my friends and family have told me that my e-mails and journal entries have had a positive tone of optimism. That always makes me wonder if I am being honest with myself. Whenever I journal, I try to just let my thoughts flow in a steady stream of consciousness. The truth, whatever that happens to be, is my goal. This deployment is not what I had imagined or hoped it to be. The boredom is often maddening. As someone who possesses a highly specialized skill, I am frequently left to my own devices until those skills are needed. To use my earlier reference of a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s as if the main meal has been served, but dessert is not quite ready, and powers-that-be have told me, “Go into the other room and keep yourself busy, but stay out of trouble. We’ll call you when we need you.” For someone like me, who is what I like to refer to as a “binary” – by this I mean that I am either a 1 or a 0, I’m on or I’m off, no in between, I give you my all or you get nothing – being put on indefinite standby is painful. I want so badly to be an integral part of what I observe happening around me. I see such potential for greatness and for good things to be done. But the grunts, being supremely groomed for their occupation, sometimes have a singular purpose, and that is to blow things up and to kill bad people. Doing those things seldom requires the nuanced analysis of a lawyer. I just want to contribute, but if they tell me no, then what can I do but obey, for it is my duty.

So I was having a particularly bad day. I suppose you could even go so far as to say that I was feeling sorry for myself, a pity party for me, as it were. I started doing the only thing I know to do in such situations, I started reading my Bible and a Bible devotional that I have with me. I turned to no page in particular, but happened upon a devotional from early January. It told the story of how pearls are formed. I already knew how pearls are formed, but decided to read on anyway. You see, a grain of sand, or some other alien article finds itself inside of an oyster. The oyster, sensing the irritant, begins to coat the grain of sand with fluid that eventually solidifies. Over time, more and more layers are added and the end result is one of nature’s true miracles, a pearl. The spiritual lesson here is that in life, there are often irritants, whether they be the unkind words or hurtful acts of another, or simply a difficult, painful situation. But, if we can devote our hearts and minds to the goodness of God, and not wallow in our own self-pity, perhaps we too can see a beautiful pearl formed out of an irritating circumstance. It was a new perspective for me, and one that I had to hold on to with all my strength, as if my own life depended on it. I eventually emerged from the valley, and the past two days have been better. I just can’t lose that perspective.